The World Is Like This, Saint Joseph (Conclusion)

Continuing exactly where I left off in previous chapter, There was no way to foresee the abyss that would open up in the world soon after that day, but to cross 800 km of a ghostly Dutra highway in the midst of a pandemic... only to, in São José dos Campos, consolidate what I call "The Most Victorious Defeat" of my life!

The final map of our journey and our destination in São José dos Campos:

With a strong feeling of having done terribly on my exam that morning, I decided to leave the "capital of the Valley" that same Sunday, but before hitting the road I decided to stop by Center Valle and ended up discovering that no paradise can be that perfect: the mall was so crowded, so incredibly crowded… that I had to drive around three times (including past the parking garage) before finding a parking space!!
How I wish my city's problems could be reduced to this... and that this story didn't have such a bad ending.

Unfortunately, the journey has become somewhat less pleasant since the profound deafness It gripped me and I couldn't listen to music anymore: particularly on that December 1st, 2019, the return to Rio de Janeiro was bitter, both because of my dissatisfaction with my performance in the competition and because of the worry about leaving my sister alone in the house where My mother had passed away the previous week.…
I know very well that many readers don't believe in God, but I trust that thanks to Him everything went as well as possible: we arrived safely and the typical year-end tasks occupied my days.

BOREDOM, MY JAILER

And, since I just mentioned the Creator, it is to Him that I raise my thoughts while performing mundane domestic tasks such as cleaning the yard or washing the dishes: I used to enjoy listening to music while doing such things, but deafness took away even the simple joy of my musical delights and condemned me to the incessant monologue of my own mind.
Deafness has hijacked the soundtrack of my life, leaving only the echo of my own thoughts as company.

Indeed, it is, but this has been my reality since the end of 2018 and, in a way, I'm even adapting... so much so that, at the end of March 2020, when the Coronavirus pandemic arrived, very little changed in my routine: if the lack of opportunities at events was already dramatic, the financial crisis didn't worsen because I was already losing some sleep before... the only difference was no longer having to take the children to school.
Honestly, I wasn't moved when, in a short time, many people started complaining about the "agony of quarantine," because I had already been living this reality for over a year.

I was resiliently—does that word even exist?—managing all this misfortune when, on the afternoon of the last day of March, my world turned upside down: at the exact moment I was learning to accept failure, my phone screen lit up with proof that my mind was still a high-performance territory.

In the competition where I was defeated... I was being called up!!
And, to confirm to myself that my disability was only auditory, but never mental, there was one more very important detail:

Yes, because of my deafness I ended up in 1st place… on the special list, but even so it was a breath of fresh air: my eyes shone with hope and my life gained meaning again!

PUZZLE

If preparing paperwork isn't easy on a normal day, imagine what it's like in the middle of a pandemic!

I could force you to suffer through my account of how strange and apocalyptic it is to walk through empty streets with everything closed, in addition to the agony of having only three days to obtain documentation that no agency in Rio de Janeiro even knows the name or code of, but I will ease the tension by saying that the desperation to work was so great that, through the "online registry office," I was charged over three hundred reais to obtain all my "no record" certificates in Rio de Janeiro and—as a bonus, for safety and even though I am not a resident of São Paulo—I even went to the link indicated in the summons message and requested everything there as well!

And what about the fear of getting infected?
I could describe the feeling of insecurity about leaving my family at home and traveling over three hundred kilometers by road with a printed copy of the summons in hand in case I was stopped at a health checkpoint, but, contrary to the "Mad Max" expectations of the journey, I ended up finding the best and most beautiful Via Dutra I have ever traveled in my entire life!

For someone who had to beg in December 2019, it was a huge burden to put the fuel for such an adventure on the table, but the prospect of changing this miserable life I've endured in Rio de Janeiro made me ignore even that: I would do anything to prevent my wife from having to continue exposing herself to the unexpected risks of the violent early mornings when, to survive, she went to work at events that ended at two, sometimes three in the morning!

Although I usually pick her up myself, crossing Avenida Brasil at two in the morning—regardless of the mode of transport—puts you in a position of gambling with luck and simply waiting for the day you'll encounter some manifestation of evil…

I cannot fail to mention all the support and affection I received from my niece and her husband, who every time — and especially during this time, during the pandemic — graciously welcomed me into their home and did everything possible so that we could soon become, like them, citizens of São José dos Campos.
I ended up having to go there one more time in addition to that first time, but…

VICTORIOUS DEFEAT

People who knew about the approval were excited, but those who really know me always asked how I was going to manage being a Municipal Bylaw Inspector with this right arm covered in metal plates and being deaf.
"Well, my dears," I replied excitedly, "I was in the military, an air traffic controller for 20 years: I know very well what discipline is! These 10 years in the events world have also given me experience dealing with the public… it will be perfect to look after a city that is so much more civilized than this Rio hell!"

I could already envision my children enrolled in some of the best public schools in Brazil, not to mention the relief of not having to cross the entire Avenida Brasil to, in an emergency, go from Campo Grande to the HCA hospital in Tijuca… I dreamed of living, not just surviving!
But the very fact that I had been, or rather, that I hadn't stopped being, a soldier, ended my dream.

What good is it for the Brazilian Air Force to have given me a document saying "I can work" if the Brazilian tax system punishes those who try to contribute?
What good were the hours I spent studying with special headphones if, when you do the math, accepting the job would mean paying to work, swallowed up by the maximum income tax rate and the loss of my meager previous job security?
Victorious Defeat…

That day my dream ended, my world fell apart, and I even ended up staying away from the internet for a while…
I've lost my pride, and I think now, with the debts of this catastrophic 2020 knocking at my door, I'm going to lose my shame and start begging for money.
If you've read this far expecting a happy ending, know that when I started writing, even I didn't expect such a disappointment.

So, before you criticize me, please appreciate the writer's effort and help me pay a bill, because, as a deaf person, most people only expect to see me using sign language, as if my lack of hearing limits the complexity of my reasoning. They offer me low-paying manual jobs as charity, ignoring that what I seek is not pity, but validation of my technical ability.

I confess that I've already asked God to take this life away from me, and I don't understand why I've come to this point... is it to expose my wife and cause my children shame and hardship?
I'm not going to end my life... far from it!

I carried on, suffocated by protective masks and documenting increasingly worse days for all of humanity, but, amidst the desolation, I decided to overcome this episode with such a frustrating and utterly unhappy ending that, I confess, I don't even know how I mustered the courage and willingness to record it.

The Literary Connection

I think it's important to explain the title I chose for the trilogy: that's how the world is, right, Saint Joseph?

• The Inversion of PerspectiveIn the book of Orígenes Lessa, In "The world is like this, Taubaté," the story is narrated from the point of view of a monkey who observes human beings from inside a cage, reversing roles and questioning the behavior of society.
• The Critical GazeThere is a clear parallel between Lessa's narrator and my own perception: looking at the "human zoo"—whether in Rio de Janeiro or in São Paulo's bureaucracy—with an intelligent and questioning eye.
• The Geography of the ValleyOrígenes Lessa lived in São José dos Campos, and although the city's municipal library bears the poet's name... Cassiano Ricardo, Lessa used the neighboring city of Taubaté as the setting for this reflection on the strangeness of the world.
  My title, therefore, is a geographical and intellectual tribute to the Paraíba Valley.

Shortly after that episode, I received the most spectacular opportunity that pulled me out of such a miserable situation: a friend who lives on the other side of the planet asked me if I was really capable of learning quickly and, preserving details and anonymity, today I am working as... Operating Systems Administrator During the early morning hours.

A hug.